Update Feb 13, 2012

I've been waiting to tell others about Keeg's latest issues until we saw his neurologist again. Today, we saw the neurologist.

Over the last couple of years, Keeg's health has not improved past a certain point. He stays tired and weak. Playing only a short time requires hours of sleep to recuperate. He's also moved from the 36^th percentile in height to the 76^th percentile. He is now 5ft, 81/2 inches at 14 years old.

Over the last year, his emotions have started to suffer. He is unable to identify emotions, unable to control emotions, and struggles with feeling overwhelmed. His social skills have regressed and he was recently diagnosed with Asperger's.

Over the last few months, Keeg has been losing his mental abilities. He had started doing Trigonometry at the end of last school year. Now he struggles with math he was able to do easily a few years ago. His reading comprehension has steadily gotten worse. His speech has started slurring on and off over the last two weeks. Today, he struggled to read a simple devotion. Keeg taught himself to read by the time he was 2 ½ years old.

For 4 months Keeg has had an ongoing headache. The pain fluctuates between a 5 and a 10 (on a scale with 1 being least pain and 10 being most pain). His severe migraines that land him in bed for 36-48 hours have decreased to aprx 4 a month. Keeg was prescribed Depakote to help with his migraine.

Two weeks ago Keeg started having chest pains. With his Situs Inversus (internal organs on opposite side of body) and the possibility of Marfan's Syndrome this requires a referral to a cardiologist.

As for his regression in mental and emotional abilities, I was told that this has been seen often in cases of long term immune system issues. There is no clear answer on how long it'll go on, or even how much worse it will get. Until we get him in with the geneticist, there isn't really much that can be done. We've been on the cancellation list for some time now, but still haven't gotten the call about an appointment.

The doctor did prescribe a medication today that he hoped would slow down Keeg's regression. Vayarin is Omega-3s and Polyunsaturated Fatty Acids. In addition to possibly slowing his regression, it will also help regulate his emotional state. It will help him sleep also. This medication is a good fit for his symptoms and there are no significant side effects. However, neither our CareMark Prescription Drug Insurance or Medicaid will pay for this medication. The cost is $75 a month. There is not an alternative available or a generic.

Right now, I'm completely overwhelmed. I'm supposed to just sit and wait while watching my son fall apart. How do I sit every day and see that he is getting worse and worse and do nothing? This is the hardest thing......not being able to help your child.

As Matthew West said in the song “Strong Enough”, “Hands of mercy, won't You cover me? Lord, right now I'm asking You to be strong enough, strong enough.....For the both of us.”

Newly Diagnosed

The following post was copied and reposted from pathsfrommysoul.blogspot.com   It's insight on how I handled Keeg's diagnosis.



Yet now (finally, the meat of this post), I don't think any of us know what to do with the latest diagnosis. Not of Pookie, but of my eldest son. You see, Keeg has, up until recently, been the perfect and most exceptional child. I know you think I'm biased (and I am) but there was just so much about him that was unique. At 2 1/2 years old, he taught himself to read!! I was teaching him letters and sounds and he already was reading Doctor Seuss books. By the time he was in Kindergarten, he had already tackled his first Isaac Asimov novel (not an easy read for many adults even). He was super bright when it came to intellect and I watched him carry on conversations with his medical specialist that blew everyone in the room away. I can not tell you how many times someone told me that he was the smartest child they'd ever seen. I was PROUD. It seemed like no matter all the wrong I'd done, I'd been blessed with a child that was an enigma. Keeg always battled some pretty severe health issues, but his behavior was always above and beyond. He was the child you look at in the store and stop the mother just to say, "You have the best behaved child I've ever seen". He was the child you told once and once only. He was the child who always seemed to know who was upset and would ask what was wrong. He was the child who always did his schoolwork, always kept his room clean, and always ate his vegetables.


A year ago I started having issues with him. He was always reading. He'd read the tags in laundry, he'd read the labels on the cans in the pantry, he read and read and read. He could no longer complete tasks or chores because he stopped to read everything. I even caught him a few times reading the garbage in the kitchen can. He'd walk by and it would catch his attention so he'd stand over the can, peering in and reading. I would have to tell him over and over and over again to do something before he would complete it. He would tell me he didn't hear me, or didn't remember. I would ask him to complete a chore and hours later would be appalled that it wasn't done, even after he told me he completed it. He'd walk into the room, look around and dumbfounded ask me, "what else needs to be done?"  I was at my wits end. How could the once perfect child suddenly be this rebellious, disobedient teenager?? I talked to friends with teens and they assured me that this was just part of growing  up and eventually (albeit a long eventually) he'd outgrow his rebellious streak. How did I not see what was really happening?


About 4 months ago, Keeg and I were home alone. I told him that I was going to give him a chore and I was going to observe his completing it. Each time he stopped to read, I would redirect him. He was to try his best not to read, and if he read something and I didn't notice, he needed to tell me. About  3 minutes into this, he was crumpled on the floor, tears streaming down his face, his hands pulling at his hair, and saying, "I can't do this! I have to read! I have to! I have to!" I sat, completely blown away. The agony in his cries froze me. Something was wrong....terribly wrong....and I didn't know what it was.


I talked to several professionals I've become friends with through the years and heard lots of different ideas. I decided that the first step was to get him in with a professional therapist. Someone that would address the needs of our family and help Keeg deal with the stress he was going through. I got a referral from a friend and set up our first appointment. The doctor had me feel out a bunch of assessment forms online for Keeg so that he could review them before our appointment. When my husband and I went to meet the doctor, he handed me a scholarly article to read about Asperger's. Confused I looked at my husband. Why would he give me this when I'd already told him our youngest was diagnosed with High Functioning Autism and not Asperger's? The doctor let me know that the information wasn't for Pookie...........it was for Keegan.


The foundation of my world shook. Reality started to spin and meld. I sat in the midst of the chaos, frozen in a warp that wracked my awareness of all. This isn't what I was supposed to hear. I was supposed to be told that he was ADD with maybe some OCD. That's what I was prepared for. Asperger's??? NO NO NO....my youngest son is on the Autism spectrum....not my oldest! I pushed myself to read the article he had handed me, floored to find out that it addressed how it's actually COMMON for children with Asperger's to not be diagnosed until they are in their teens. I managed to make it through the appointment, and back out to the truck. My first words to my husband after we pulled away was, "How could I have missed this?"


I grew up with family members and friends that had special needs. I went to college for Early Childhood Education with a special interest in Special Needs. I've volunteered, helped out and fund raised for various organizations that help with Special Needs. I've spent the last 5plus years studying Autism Spectrum diagnosis, Asperger's included. And then the lighbulb went off............how many times did I pull Keegan over to me while researching and say, "Hey, this sounds like you!"


Looking back..........I missed so much. The way that Keegan never really cared much for affection. Yes, he'd let me hold him, hug him, and give him kisses as a child. But deep down I always felt that he was only tolerating it for my benefit. The way that his room always stayed so clean because he didn't really own much of anything. He would always ask me to give his toys to children that didn't have any. Proud as can be, we'd do so. It's only in hindsight I see that it was because he didn't care for the typical toys children played with. His room has always been minimal in decoration and toys. For as long as I can remember he's only wanted an alarm clock with radio, a lamp, his hotwheels and a chess set. Looking back, I can see how unusual this is for a 5 year old.....but at the time I just saw it as a sign to his immense intellect. Keegan has always been particular about his clothing. He has always preferred khaki pants and shorts after he went to a charter school that required school uniforms. He likes long socks with the tops pulled straight up his legs. Keegan never really had any sense of style, but being a single mom that didn't really have any other Dads to chat with, I just thought it was a guy thing. There were always gross motor skill delays and clumsiness...........he had really big feet and I chalked it up to that. I never noticed that Keeg didn't recognize personal space until he was older. When a small child sits down immediately next to someone, it's cute. It's not a red flag that he doesn't realize that people have personal space. Keeg has never known a stranger.....NEVER. It's not uncommon for his interactions with someone to start off with 20 questions. I just thought he was curious and trying to feed his intellect. When my husband and I married two years ago....Keeg had pretty much spent his life caring for me and his little sister (due to my own health issues). He'd been the man of the house. My new husband, his now step-dad, sat him down before our marriage and told Keeg that he was proud of him for all that he'd taken on through the years. He was proud of him for the way he took care of me and his sister. Now, he could just relax and be a kid! He could play and have fun. Once Keeg accepted this, play he did. My husband asked me then if I noticed Keeg's play. Did I notice that he played like a young child? Did I think there was something wrong? Did I notice that Keeg had gone from one end of the extreme (never playing) to the other end of the extreme (continuously playing)? Did I think it unusual that Keeg's imaginary play was immature yet intensely intelligent at the same time? Nope.........I didn't think there was a problem. He'd spent years taking care of me and his sister and now was just letting out all those years of pent up play. Besides, he was altering his play to match that of Pookie to help keep Pookie entertained. He just continued the same games when Pookie was otherwise entertained, right?


I could go on and on. You see, I've had 3 weeks and 2 days since the first doc told me he thought Keeg had Asperger's. Since then we've met with a pediatric neurologist who has all but confirmed the original therapist ideal. He's scheduled the appointments necessary to get the "official" diagnosis. Keeg was admitted into the hospital for unrelated tests, and numerous nurses and therapist he came in contact with assumed he'd been diagnosed with Asperger's long ago. (My mind screamed REALLY? REALLY? REALLY? the entire time). A child life specialist told me that her brother has CP and mild mental retardation and that Keeg reminds her so much of him. She said their mannerisms are identical. She said this with the sweetest affection for Keeg and her brother that I was deeply moved, yet inside I could feel the vibrations resonating through my body as my brain screamed "WHAT? MY SON? HOW DID I MISS THIS?"


Thursday, Pookie went for another evaluation with a speech therapist. I had to meet with the OT there so when Pook didn't want to go back with the therapist alone, I sent Keeg with him. When it was time for me to meet with the therapist, she wanted to make sure I'd realized that Keeg had special needs as well. Again, my mind screamed "DID EVERYONE SEE THIS BUT ME?"


There are always times in a parents life that you feel like a failure. That there were things you missed, things you should have done differently, things you should not have done at all. Yet, I can honestly say that nowhere in my 14 years of parenting have I felt so totally off the mark. My son has lived with me for 14 years....his entire life....and despite all my knowledge and training, I missed that he has Asperger's. I don't care that it is COMMON for children to miss diagnosis till teen years...........THIS IS MY SON. My firstborn. It makes a difference somehow.


Each day I make so many mistakes. I am trying so hard to change my perspective, to see Keeg as who he is and not what I always dreamed he would be. I'm trying so hard to realize that I'm in Holland and that Holland has so many things to offer (click on the blue word Holland if you don't know what I mean). I have to stop myself and apologize a thousand times each day because I realize I reacted to him without realizing his actions weren't intentional, that he didn't understand, and that he was doing exactly what I said just as literal as I said it.


I try not to think about his future right now. Don't get me wrong.......I'm doing everything I need to so that he gets the best of everything and reaches his full potential. I know that he can still be and do anything he wants to and that Asperger's is not a limit on this. Yet, since before he was born I'd dreamed of his future. When he was 2 he told me he wanted to be a doctor and didnt' sway from this except for when, at age 4, he decided to be a missionary. He talked of working at NASA so that he would have the means to reach the goal of missionary doctor. Those dreams haven't changed...........but the paths to get there are forever altered. It's not a bad thing......... but change is always hard for us adults. Selfish as it is, my life was always so chaotic there were only a few constants I felt I could depend on and those were God and my children. That hasn't changed.....but for me to be the mother Keeg needs, I have to change my entire perspective and outlook. I have to let go of my dreams to visit Paris and find the beauty of Holland. Ironically enough, when I read "Welcome To Holland" the first time I didn't really understand the full impact of it. I'd known since I was pregnant with Pookie that something "wasn't quite right" and the moment he was born it was obvious he had some type of special needs. I read "Welcome to Holland" shortly after Keeg's initial diagnosis and suddenly it all made sense.


I know that through all these things God will make sure our needs are met and dreams fulfilled. This is going to be a beautiful and joy filled journey. Yet, we all must mourn the things in life we have lost..............even when the door God has opened for us is so much more beautiful, amazing and breathtaking.

15 Years Later

It's odd the things you remember in life.

I was in the passenger seat of an old, green Ford pickup truck. We were in the drive-thru at Burger King and I was insisting there was no way that I could eat anything, not even a bite. Yet, it was argued that I was pregnant and I needed to keep my strength and my sugar up. A song came on the radio and as I listened to the lyrics I began to cry. Tonight, writing this, I remember what food I was given at Burger King. It was a bacon, egg, and cheese croissant. I remember what I was wearing....a black shirt with a gray striped dress over it. Yet, I can't remember that song.

We went to meet our group of friends before heading to the funeral home. I knew I wanted that song to be played at the funeral. Pam agreed, and it was played. Yet now, almost 15 years later, the name of the song won't come to mind.

Exactly 15 years ago today, a beautiful blonde haired, blue eyed, six year old boy was murdered. Six years old....the same age my son will turn in three weeks. My son, who has blonde hair and blue eyes. My son who climbs, jumps, flips, and does stunts proudly and with no fear.....just like Jordy did 15 years ago. My son who asked today if he could watch Power Rangers on Netflix. Power Rangers....a show he's never seen, but that was Jordan's favorite.

Jordan's picture sits on the cabinet in my dining room. The picture frame has a motherly angel down the side of it. An angel.......the first time I saw Jordan the sun was shining on his blond curls, and I thought to myself that he looked like an angel. Those words would come back to me when I heard of his death.

I should've known. There aren't many things that can make multiple grown men cry. Yet, all they told us was to go to the pay phone and call Dan. So, we did. I remember thinking it was someone in their family.....their aged father perhaps. But I remember when I heard the person beside me say, “No, it can't be. Are you sure?” Then they looked at me, and suddenly I knew....it wasn't his family member. This was someone I loved. Yet, when he said the name in that horrible sentence, I didn't want to believe. Yet, somehow I felt it......inside.....where the core of all you are exists.

I was sitting in the passenger seat of a car, a small gray Honda. I doubled over in physical pain. I felt it.....the pain....it was driving through me. I raised my head and looked out the windshield. It was dark out, late. Most people were sleeping. Yet, I noticed lights coming on. Inside lights, then porch lights. I looked around for the source of what was waking everyone. I could hear it.....it was this primal scream that sent chills down my spine. It scared me. Even after I was taken back to the house and calmed down, I still didn't realize the screams I heard were my own. That would come to me later.

Each year, right after my birthday, I start to think about Jordan. I think of him often through the year, but towards the end of November I remember. Jordan's birthday is towards the end of November. The holidays. I think of him all through Christmas. He used to lie on the living room floor with me to watch the patterns the lights made on the ceiling. Then, into January....this month. Today.....15 years.

The news reporters all called it, “the worst case of child abuse in North Carolina history”. None of us would argue that point. We saw, we knew, we had tried to save him.

She is behind bars. Two consecutive life sentences and up for parole 25 years after her conviction date. She still claims to be not guilty. Facing the feelings I felt towards her was almost the end of me. God showed me that hating someone, seeking revenge.....that only destroys the hater and not the hated. I almost lost myself learning that lesson.

There are lots of lessons to be learned. There are some lessons that should never have to be learned. Jordan's death taught us all lots of lessons that we didn't need to know. It taught us a level of grief that to date has yet to exist anywhere else in my life. I'm sure those that love Jordy would agree.

I know that no matter how I write the words that come next, that they won't be able to convey the emotion behind my pleas. I know that words can't show you the tears that I shed as I type this. I know that words can't make you feel that pain that is still there.....in the core of my very being. I know that words won't allow you to hear the longing in my voice when I beg you to please do this one thing for me....for Jordan.

If you suspect child abuse, please please please seek assistance. Do not just pick up the phone, call your local Child Protective Service office, make a report, hang up and walk away. FOLLOW UP!! Call back, make sure it was investigated, make sure that the workers know you aren't going to forget. Let your presence be made known. Is the child in school? Report it also to the school. Is the child in daycare? Report it there. Do you happen to know who the child's pediatrician is? Report it there. Is the child school age but not in school? Report it to the truancy officer. Call the police. Call and report it to everyone you can. Each person you report it to will have to document the report and possibly investigate the allegations themselves. By reporting it to multiple people, you just gave that child that many protectors! Keep a ledger documenting what you saw....dates, times, who was with the child, what the abuse/injury was and never let that original out of your site. Include the dates, times and names of the people you reported the abuse to. Make copies to give to those who need it, but hold on to that original so that you hold those dates and times. So that if something else happens to that child, there are people that can be called who are able to move quickly to help the child. So that if the child is not protected by those in charge of protecting children, then there is a record of who to hold accountable.

Between 2006-2010, the average child mortality rate due to homicide was 52. That's 52 children dying each year as a result of child abuse. Homicide. Murder.

You can make a difference. You can save a life. You can do it for any reason you want, or you can do it for Jordan. It doesn't matter to me at all what your reason is, just please.....if you suspect child abuse, do something about it.  

Not much to Update about

There isn't really alot to update regarding Keegan. We're basically waiting on more doctor appointments. He's on the cancellation list for genetics for an appointment, otherwise it would be November before he could get in! We go to see the neurologist again next month and hopefully he'll have some insight.

Keeg now has a constant low pain headache. It never goes away. On a scale of 1-10, it never gets any better then a 4. He's also still feeling weak and exhausted, but isn't sleeping as much as he was.

On the Asperger side of things, Keeg is having a hard time with his emotions. I'm sure his age has a factor in this, but having Aspergers makes it that much more difficult. When you only understand about half of what goes on in a day, things can get pretty frustrating.

Then, we're still learning how to acclimate to his needs. For example, we're learning that telling him a one step direction works great IF he repeats it back to you before taking off to do perform the task. Also, multiple steps are fine, if written down! Even better if he writes it down himself. We're blessed that we have such a great audiologist who took the time to explain to us what could help him.

Keegan's knowledge of the Bible is still increasing. As a result, I've gotten kind of lazy. When writing my own blog, I'll ask him a question instead of looking it up myself. I'll ask him who wrote a book in the Bible, or where to find a certain scripture I'm looking for. He'll even tell me where to look for those teeny tiny books in the Bible I can never find, like Habakkuk (thank goodness for spell check).

Overall, we're taking it one day at a time. Today is a pretty good day. We're relying on God for Keeg to finally get a diagnosis this year. It's been a 10 year battle, but I feel that we are finally close to getting some answers for Keeg. Accurate diagnosis means that we'll hopefully be better able to treat him! So, keep praying!!

Remember, God is good.......ALL THE TIME.

Update

Keeg's hematologist has determined that his spleen is enlarged and his labs are "abnormal". He has referred him to a rheumatologist and mentioned Marfans.

Keeg's immunologist is referring him to a geneticist.

Basically both doctors have said they see lots of issues, but cant' figure out a cause. Right now we're waiting.

Keeg went and got fluids through an IV yesterday as well as phenergan to help with his vomiting. Hopefully it was a virus, and not another "symptom". He's feeling a bit better today, and is able to eat with nausea medication. He's very weak and tired.

The ENT is fabulous. He did a camera probe of some sort that showed that Keeg has severe acid burns in his throat. He said this is due to severe acid reflux, and was shocked that Keeg wasn't in severe pain. I'm guessing the reason is due to his sensory issues. The ENT said there is a possibility of cilia mobility issues, but does not want to do a biopsy at this point due to Keeg's health. He said that since we're not battling lung infections, we can skip the biopsy at this point. He also thinks a geneticist is a great idea.

I'll update more as I learn more.

Lung Biopsy and Various Updates

I haven't had much time lately to update regarding Keeg. So, this will cover several different topics.

First, the labs that were drawn by the Immunologist showed that Keegan is still suffering from low white blood cells, low red blood cells, and low platelets. This has been a continual problem for 10 years, and as of yet there is still no answer. The good news was that, apart from this, the other labs showed that his immune system is functioning normal. Do I completely understand how his labs can be so off, and his immune system working correctly? No, I don't. But at least the latter part is good news.

Keeg has a referral to a hematologist. The hematologist will be addressing his chronic abnormal lab counts and attempting to determine a cause.

The immunologist also feels that Keeg has Cilia Immobility Disorder. This is linked to Situs Inversus, which Keeg has. Five years ago I approached several doctors and requested that Keeg be tested for Cilia immobility. I was consistently told that he couldn't have this, because he didn't have recurring lung infections. He did however have chronic sinus infections. Those sinus infections and his Situs Inversus led me to think he may have cilia immobility, but I could not find a doctor to test. Keeg will now be seeing an ENT that will perform a lung biopsy. With cilia mobility, the actual cell structure of the lungs are changed.

In recent years, it's been determiend that the brain has cilia. When this cilia is not functioning normally, it can cause chronic severe headaches. Keeg has suffered recurring migraines since he was 4 years old. In addition, Keeg has suffered severe acid reflux and projectile vomiting, all of which can be caused by cilia immobility.

I don't have a lot of information yet regarding what will be done if he does have cilia mobility or what the prognosis is. I do know that if this is the case, Keeg will most likely be sterile and unable to father children biologically. This is something that I've known since he was several weeks old. At the time of his birth, it was known that sterility was associated with situs inversus, but no one knew why.

Keeg has also received his results from his auditory processing testing. Keegan has an auditory processing disorder in “Tolerance-Fading Memory”. Children with TFM are unable to process and remember instructions when there is background noise. In addition, when in a noisy environment, Keegan becomes stressed and will often try to get away (flight reaction) or become aggressive (fight reaction). TFM is also expressed in the following ways. First, it may appear that Keeg often “ignores” people, especially if engrossed. He hears less well, or less attentive/productive in ordinarily busy surroundings. He has difficulty following a series of spoken directions and is unusually forgetful of information previously memorized such as correct spelling, household or school routines and responsibilities, despite frequent reminders.

Keegan also has a “phonemic decoding deficit”. Also, Keegan scored at age level in “number memory reversed” and at a 17 year old level on “word memory”. He scored slightly below average (13 year level) on “number memory forward”. However, in sentence memroy, he scored at an 8 ½ year old level. Keep in mind, all these scores are for auditory processing and have nothing to do with what he sees written.

You'd figure that with the auditory processing issues and his health problems, Keeg has enough on his plate. Yet, this isn't the case. We got Keeg's evaluation results from his neuropsychologist. Keegan received his “official” diagnosis of Asperger's. I'm still awating the evaluation to come in the mail. Intellectually, Keeg is quite adept. When it comes to intellectually knowing what a person should or should not do, or feel, in a certain social situation, Keegan is aware. However, when it comes to his perceiving these situations when he is in them, he is unable to do so. Keegan doesn't understand the majority of what happens in a day regarding people. He misses things such as facial expressions, tone of voice, and body language. He takes what is said literal and doesn't understand what is really meant. He is unaware of what is considered socially acceptable. There is so much more that I could list. What's worse is that when I asked for a referral for someone that specializes in working with children with Asperger's, I was told that there is no one in our area.

Keegan's OT evals came not to long ago. They show gross motor delays and sensory integration dysfunction. The gross motor delays result in his being unable to use both sides of his body simultaneously. This means he is unable to do things like ride a bike or jump rope. He also means he has difficulties in cutting with scissors. Keegan's sensory integration dysfunction is why he isn't aware that his clothing is twisted, his shoes are untied, or that there is food on his face. Occupational therapy will help correct these issues.

Please take the time to follow the links below to learn more about Keeg's health concerns. He has a lot to deal with right now. At an age where all kids want to be accepted, he's learning that he doesn't understand a lot of what goes on in a day. He's frustrated, uncertain, and at times even depressed by it all. Please keep him in your prayers. Learn more about the battles he faces daily at the following links:

Aspergers Syndrome:

http://www.webmd.com/brain/autism/tc/aspergers-syndrome-symptoms

http://www.ninds.nih.gov/disorders/asperger/detail_asperger.htm

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/aspergers-syndrome/DS00551

Chronic Neutropenia:

http://www.bcm.edu/pediatrics/documents/4120.pdf

Chronic Thrombocytopenia

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/thrombocytopenia/DS00691

Chronic Anemia:

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/anemia/DS00321

Central Auditory Processing Disorder:

http://kidshealth.org/parent/medical/ears/central_auditory.html

Sensory Integration Dysfunction:

http://www.sensory-processing-disorder.com/

Cilia Immobility Disorder:

http://path.upmc.edu/cases/case233/dx.html

RIP Dixie

RIP Dixie

I don't know where to start. I guess first I need to tell you how we met Dixie.

Our family purchased a home in a very rural area in March of this year. It's perfect....the location is all we've ever dreamed of. We live in the midst of a forest, with a lake nearby. Neighbors are practically non-existent and we never hear sounds of traffic. Our lullabies are crickets, frogs and wonderful, peaceful, calming sounds of night.

About a week after we started moving in, my friend James and I were traveling with my three children to go pack up some more belongings at our former home. As we came near a stop sign, we saw something run across the road. We weren't quite sure what it was, but thought it might be a dog. Living in a rural area means that it's not uncommon to see animals get dumped. We stopped at the stop sign, opened the driver's door, and whistled. Up came running Dixie. She was wagging her tail so much the whole back half of her was swinging from side to side. Without hesitation she climbed into the drivers door, under his legs, across the center console and stretched herself across my 3 children's laps.

I'd always told my daughter, Keara, that when we bought a home, we'd get a dog. She'd waited 11 years. When we bought our home, she told Pookie (our 5 year old son with Autism) about our deal. He had prayed each night for a week for God to give us a dog. When Dixie stretched out across his and his siblings laps, he smiled as big as he could and with wide eyed wonder told me, “Mommy! God gave me a dog!” Whose to argue with a child's faith?

A few weeks after Dixie came into our lives, it was warm enough for the children to go swimming. You know the time of year....when the air outside is warm, the sun is bringing a warmth to your skin that you longed for all winter, and though no adult would ever get into the still chilled water, the kids all think it feels great! As us adults sat on the shore with Dixie, our children frolicked and played in the lake. Our 11 year old daughter, got caught in a current. Though she could paddle and keep herself in the same spot, she couldn't get up to shore. As I was getting ready to get in to bring her to shore, Dixie jumped in the water. To our shock and surprise, Dixie swam out to Keara, placed her collar under Keara's hand, and pulled her to shore. Everyone was shocked and thrilled.

Dixie seemed to also have been trained as a therapy dog. Though we have no knowledge of her background, she always stayed beside Pookie when he was out of doors. She would run beside him on his bike, and even get in front of him if she felt he went to far. He would lie down, resting his head on her and she was content. When he would start to have a meltdown, she would come and push against him.....calming him tremendously. She was in tune with him on a level I'd never seen between child and pet.

As time progressed, so did Pookie. His neurologist wasn't surprised. He'd told me the best thing I could do for him, and his older brother that has Asperger's, was to get them a good dog. He said he'd seen children advance and make progress with a dog that otherwise wouldn't have been accomplished.

A few months after God brought us Dixie, our daughter was attacked by a much larger dog. Dixie was a cocker spaniel mix. The other dog was a German Shepard/Lab mix. Dixie, despite being a fourth of this other dogs size, defended Keara with a vengeance. I have no doubts that she saved my daughter's life. At one point, Dixie stuck her entire snout into the other dogs mouth!

Dixie became loved by all the children that came to visit. Being that I have children on the autistic spectrum and with health issues, I am often visited by other families that have children with special needs. Dixie always connected with them. She offered them a sense of security and calm in a world these children often don't understand. Somehow, Dixie made everything OK.

When my 14 year old with Aspergers, Keeg, decided to walk to my parent's house, it was almost dark. I hadn't realized he had left, but merely thought he was taking a quite time in “his spot” in the woods near our house. When my daughter and I began to look for him, it was getting close to dark. He didn't answer, he wasn't in “his spot”, and we began to worry he was lost. We walked the drive, calling for him, but to no avail. I noticed that Dixie wasn't in the house, or outside. I knew that if Dixie wasn't coming to us when we started to call her, then one of two things was happening. Either Keeg was hurt and Dixie wouldn't leave his side, or they were out of ear shot. This realization prompted me to run back to the house so I could call 911. By now it was dark, and it was cold out. Keeg was only wearing shorts and flip flops. He has health issues and is unusually weak. I was panicked. As I started to call 911, a call came through from my parent's. I heard Keeg's voice say, “Hey Mom!” He hadn't realized the gravity of what he'd done. He said that when he started to leave our property and Dixie followed, he tried to run her home, but she wouldn't leave him. He said she stayed with him the entire time. At one point he said he saw some dogs and was scared, but Dixie barked a few times and that was that. He had gotten scared on the way, and cold, but Dixie kept him centered and moving forward. He said without her, he'd have probably hid in the woods on the side of the road. But, Dixie was there with him and so he knew it would be OK.

After that incident, Dixie got it into her head that she could leave our yard and try to get to my parents where she'd walked with Keeg that night. Although she occasionally wandered to our neighbors home (often invited by the renters that stayed there), she never went the opposite direction unless leashed. Yet, for some reason she figured that if she'd gotten to go that night, she was going to continue. Finally, we quit letting her go out with the boys unless she was leashed. She spent her time in the house and at times would drive me insane. She was used to running and jumping with Pookie, and since she didn't have that outlet outside, decided to do it inside. Pook of course missed the same play, and actively participated indoors.

A week ago tomorrow, my husband was involved in a terrible accident. He suffered a skull fracture and an epidural hematoma, pooling blood and air pockets that put pressure on his brain. He was air lifted to a hospital to be seen by a neurosurgeon. We are blessed to have a large network of prayer warriors, all who spread the word quickly and got many people praying for him. He was blessed, and quite surprisingly to all, came home after only 1 night in ICU, and 1 night on a general floor. He is in pain, and has memory loss. He also doesn't remember much of what happens in a day. He has to stay supervised for the most part, as often he doesn't remember his injuries.

While we were in the hospital, Dixie was left alone. Although she was fed, watered, and taken out.....she had not been alone since God brought her to us. I remember my horror when we got home from the hospital. There was not a square inch of floor uncovered. Toys from the kids rooms were scattered throughout the house, mixed with the garbage that had sat in the can unattended during our hospital stay. I couldn't believe one stressed out dog could have created such destruction.

I felt bad for having left her cooped up and unattended. I let her out and stayed with her to make sure she didn't run off. She stayed right around the house. Apparently her extended stay inside, only being taken out long enough to use the bathroom and only seeing someone for 10 minutes a day had fixed her issue of running off. She stayed close to the house, only venturing to the end of our personal driveway, then coming back. She was so happy to see us.

The next day, I had to run into town to grab some groceries. I couldn't find anyone to stay with my husband, but had to get him something to eat. I timed my trip so that he'd be sleeping and rushed to get things done. I came back in aprx 30 minutes. As I rushed to come in and check on him, Dixie jumped from the van. I checked on my husband, and went out. Dixie stood at the end of our personal driveway barking. I knew she was barking at the trespassing hunters. I'd seen their truck on my way in. Despite continually asking hunters to leave our property and the property adjoining ours, and explaining that we have to children with Autism, they still continue to return. Dixie stood at the end of the drive barking as I carried in groceries. Suddenly, she quit barking and started wagging her tail. She got excited and her whole back end started to move back and forth. I couldn't help but smile. Dixie would get so excited when she was going to get affection that she'd shake her back end so much she could barely run. She took off down the drive. I assumed that someone we knew was coming down the drive.

I was wrong. When I got the last of the groceries in, I went to get Dixie in. No one had come up the drive and I couldn't figure out what she had taken off the drive so happy about. She wouldn't answer my call, and I didn't see nor hear any sign of her.

I found her later. It was dark and I was driving out the drive. I just happened to get a glimpse of her green collar as I drove by. My heart sank. I backed up and cut on my high beams. There was Dixie, laying on the side of the drive in the grass. My heart sank as I realized she wasn't moving. “She's been hit by a car” I thought. Then I thought, “She's just hurt. The vet can save her!” I jumped out and ran towards her.....and then I saw it. An arrow.....extending out of her. She was dead. My husband said he was so scared and worried for me. He said it was as if I crumpled, but was still standing on my feet. He said he'd never heard anyone scream like that. My heart was shattering....all I could see was our beloved pet, our family, lying there with that arrow protruding.

I drove back home and called my best friend. Halfway up the drive I stopped as my sobs and screams were wracking me so much that I couldn't drive. I made it home and called my best friend who advised me to report it to the police. I called 911 and was told a deputy was coming out. I drove down to sit beside Dixie, worried that the coyotes or other animals would disturb her. My husband insisted on coming with me, telling me he could never rest knowing I was sitting there alone. I finally convinced him to go home and lie down. I drove down the drive to turn around. There were headlights coming towards me, but as soon as I spotted theirs, they must've seen me. They turned around rapid fast and took off down the drive. Instinct made me go after them and I was shocked to see a small pickup truck, very similar to the one that was there when I'd gotten home from the grocery store. I wrote down the tag number and returned to give it to 911, hoping that the deputy coming out would see them as he passed. When the officer arrived, I told him about the truck. He had passed them on the way, but had not gotten the message from dispatch. After getting all the needed information, he told me that unless they confessed, he couldn't do anything. If they confessed, the only thing he could do was give me the information so that I could go to the magistrate for “destruction of personal property”. I was dumbfounded. These hunters repeatedly trespass posted private land, lured my dog from our property and shot it, and nothing could be done. I was told that nothing could be done because their was a leash law, and my dog wasn't on a leash when he was killed. My heart sank. She'd been killed within 15 minutes of jumping from my van. I saw her run down the drive happily to greet her murderers, and never had a clue what was happening. I even remember hearing the truck drive up and leave as I was calling out to her, but never considered that any hunter would ever harm an innocent dog. Especially not hunters that had already been told that there were two children with autism living in the home. Did they have no heart?

After the officer left, I made a call to my best friend. With my husband having a brain injury, he isn't allowed to lift anything. There was no way I could bury Dixie as I'm not strong enough to dig through the hard clay rock. She couldn't be buried until the next afternoon, when a friend of mine would get off work and come do so. I had to get Dixie to the house and protected from the wild animals of night. I drove down to where Dixie lay. I could have walked there in less then 3 minutes, but it was very cold and I needed the warmth of the van. I took my camera and using the flash surveyed the area. I could see where the hunters had stood next to Dixie in the tall grass, even as she stood in the grass beside the drive that was mowed that very morning. The hunters and Dixie were on the neighboring property to ours.......property that is private and posted as no hunting allowed. Using my headlights and the flash of my camera, I walked a bit further down and saw a well worn path the hunters had been using to get from their truck to the adjoining property. I came back and took pictures of Dixie. I wanted to make sure that somehow her death would not be in vain, and maybe the photos would help that.

I sat with Dixie until my friend could arrive. As we lifted Dixie to place her on a piece of wood, I almost choked. When we lifted her up, we could see the other end of the arrow. We could see the angle, and how far the arrow protruded from her. Although I had never doubted that it was intentional, due to her having been shot beside our drive, it had never occurred to me exactly how cold hearted these hunters had been. They had stood directly over her when they shot her. They shot her through the heart and the evidence of this was pooling around her. Dixie would have been looking up at them with her adoring eyes, tail wagging so much that her behind swung from side to side. How could they have looked at that adoring face and brutally murdered her that way?

We laid her Dixie in the van and brought her home for the last time. My husband had been building a storage building next to our home. We put her in there and wedged a large piece of wood over the door. I laid awake for hours in bed that night. I just kept seeing those so called hunters standing over her, with her excited to be getting attention, and the arrow piercing her. Although I was glad it had been a shot straight through her heart, my own heart felt just as pierced. I cried throughout the night, muffling my sobs so as not to disturb my husband who was still in immense pain from his injuries.

I woke the next morning going over the needed chores to be done. Then the image of her laying beside our drive pierced through my mind. I got up quietly, pulled on my shoes and sweatshirt, and headed out with my camera. I walked this time. Though still cold, I needed that extra minute to prepare myself. I had noticed the night before that the end of the arrow with the quills had been broken off. I had remembered hearing in the past that hunters mark that end of their arrow with their initials or an identifying mark. They do this so that they know who made “the kill”. I searched the area where I'd found Dixie and as I walked back towards where their truck was parked, I found the broken piece of the arrow that had the quills. Dixie's blood was still on it. I found two pieces, laying next to each other. Yet, the very end, beyond the quills, was missing. The part where the initials would have been.

I then thought back to their returning that night. I figured it had to be the same truck, despite it having been dark and my vision being limited. Why else would they have turned around so rapidly and taken off like a race car driver down a curvy gravel road when they saw me? I wondered for a moment why, as I'd done the night before. I felt that they must've been coming back to take Dixie's body. I still haven't thought of any other reason they would have had to return.

I came back home and headed straight to the shower. I thought back over the last week. Finding out my eldest son has to have a lung biopsy done, my husband's accident and injuries, and now Dixie. I felt.....fragile. My husband woke as I came through our bedroom. I got into the shower and as the water poured over me, I lost it. The tears wouldn't stop and I was grieving for so many things. I was grieving for Dixie's life. I was grieving having to explain it all to my children. I was grieving for their heartache. I was grieving for all the children that loved Dixie and would have to be told. At some point, though I didn't notice, my husband opened the shower door, turned off the water, wrapped me in a towel and held me. I was thinking of all the ways I might have saved her. If I hadn't taken her with me, if she'd been on a leash in the van before I opened the door, if I hadn't carried in groceries first, if I'd gotten someone else to dog sit while I was caring for my husband. I must've spoke these out loud because I remember my husband telling me over and over again that it wasn't my fault.

That afternoon, my two best best friends came over to help me bury Dixie. James had been there the first time we saw Dixie, and now he was helping lay her to rest. It was a very emotional time for us and anyone watching the three of us would have surely wondered as to our sanity. It took a long time to shovel through the clay rock. When it came time to get Dixie ready and to lower her, my dear friends sent me on an errand so that I wouldn't have to see. By the time I got back, the grave was already half way filled in.

Yesterday evening my children came home. Due to their father's injuries, they had not come home yet. I spent the evening consoling Pookie. After he fell asleep, exhausted from his cries, our older two children came to me. They cried for hours before falling into restless sleep.

Dixie was a blessing to our family. I will never be able to understand how anyone could take the life of an innocent. I've never been able to understand how someone could get so angry at another that they would intentionally hurt their children. Maybe these so called hunters thought that by killing my children's therapy dog, that I would leave them alone and let them hunt here. Maybe they figured I'd settle for keeping my kids inside at all times for fear of them hunting next to my home. I guess I'll never know what they were thinking. Part of me hopes that they will always see her beautiful eyes and her wagging tail begging for love as they took her life. Yet, what I really want is for pets and children to be forever safe from these people. I want to make sure that somehow, these people are never allowed near my home again. I want to know that my children can jump on their trampoline, ride their bikes, and check the mailbox without being worried that they'll be mistaken for game. My children always wear hunter orange vest when venturing into the forest, even the forest on our own property. Should they have to wear it just to jump on the trampoline or to check their own mailbox?

I pray that somehow, some way, our home is restored to the dream home that we envisioned it to be. I pray that the children with special needs, and even those without, can come here again and not worry about whether or not they may be within feet of a hunters bow or gun. I pray that once again this home and these woods can become that which God intended it to be......... paradise.

RIP Dixie. Our hearts yearn for your presence. We love you and will never forget the love you showed us.