Asperger Suicide SCREAMS

It came to my attention most recently that the blog posts that receives the most views across all my blogs is the one I posted about a local 14 year old teen with Asperger Syndrome that committed suicide.

It has also come to my attention most recently that the majority of the people reading that blog post are those with Aspergers contemplating suicide. The second runner ups are their parents.

My heart is breaking. I am the mother of two on the Autism spectrum. I have seen so much heartache and pain.

When I was a young teen, even though I did not have Aspergers, I attempted suicide. I remember that hopelessness. I felt like I was all alone in the world and no one else could understand.

BUT YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!

If you have Aspergers and are thinking about suicide, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Because right now there are others from ALL OVER THE WORLD that are logging onto the internet, punching some words into a search engine, and coming to read the blog posts because THEY ARE ALSO SUICIDAL.

I can't say I understand Aspergers. I wish I did. As a mother I wish it so very much. I would love to understand why my sons feel and think the way they do. But there is hope. There is always hope. Even if the hope is only that you aren't alone.

Please, don't commit suicide. You are beautiful. You are put here, on a planet you feel is alien, to teach neurotyps like me what I am supposed to be.

Join us on Facebook at AspieLife. My son started this FB group to bring together not just those on the Autism Spectrum, but also those that love them and care! He said that all the groups were either for people on the spectrum, or were for those that loved someone on the spectrum but all that seemed to do was alienate us farther apart. He wanted somewhere that we could all share, and talk, and CARE. A place of acceptance and support. So, he created AspieLife. Please, come join us there and know you are not alone.

If you are a parent, sibling, friend, spouse, girlfriend, boyfriend, workmate, etc of someone on the Spectrum and YOU CARE then please join us on AspieLife.

You are not alone. Any of you. Regardless of how you feel, what you think, what you've done, what you will do......... I LOVE YOU.

Asperger Syndrome Suicide

You wake on a typical weekend morning. Your children are sleeping as you prepare breakfast. At 8:30am you head upstairs to check in on your 14 year old son. A child with a huge heart and beautiful smile, your heart breaks for him often. He has Asperger Syndrome and struggles with the feelings that come from not being accepted by your peers. He is very intelligent, which only seems to fuel the problem. Even adults look at him, and due to his intelligence, expect more from him then he is capable of. How do you explain to a child that only things logically, that the reason people shun him, or get frustrated with him, is simply because he is different? There is no logic in that, yet it is the simple truth, unfair that it may be.

These thoughts bombard you as you slowly walk up the stairs, wondering what today might be and how you will be able to help your son. You open the door as you call softly to him to wake up. With a start you realize that he isn't in bed. You step back into the hallway, figuring he was in the bathroom, or maybe downstairs somewhere. You call for him several times, with no answer.

You aren't really worried. It's not uncommon for your son to get up and go walking. It helps to soothe him, comfort him. You hope he grabbed something for breakfast before he left. He's struggled so much lately, he doesn't understand why people treat him the way they do. He doesn't understand why the world is so different then what he can understand or relate to. As you head back into the kitchen, you pray again the prayer you've said so many times, “Please God, help me find a way to help my son”.

Your laptop is sitting on the table. You slide it over to you and post a quick comment on Facebook, asking anyone that may know where your son is to get in touch with you as soon as possible.

The hours tick away and you still haven't heard anything. Your son doesn't typically stay gone for this long, and you are starting to worry. You've had this nagging feeling that something isn't quite right ever since you discovered that he wasn't in bed this morning. You've been shoving it aside, but now your starting to wonder if you should pay more attention to it.

An associate from work calls you. It's doubtful she's heard that you posted on Facebook asking for info on your son's whereabouts, and you don't really want to get into it on the phone with her. You answer the phone, and in a style true to her, she starts babbling about traffic being backed up on the interstate. She is talking over excitedly and very fast. To fast for your ever growing stressed emotions to keep up with. You vaguely hear her tell you how traffic was stopped because of a body found on the side of the road, and how it'd been there for hours before anyone bothered to call 911. You finally tell her that it's been a very bad morning for you, and that you have to get off the phone.

No sooner have you hung up your phone then panic seizes you. Didn't your friend from work just say that the body found had red hair? Surely she'd have said it was a teenager or a child if it was your son. But, she said it had been there for hours....hours! Oh no, she also said it was near where you live! That can't be your son. Oh please Dear God, don't let that be your son.

You quickly snatch the phone back up and call the local police department. You explain that your son, your son that has red hair, is missing. Your transferred to an officer, who asks you a ton of questions and then quietly tells you that two officers are already in route to your home to get a statement.

There is a knock at the door. You didn't hear the car pull up over the phone conversation. You quickly run to the door and yank it open. As your mind registers that it is two police officers, you stand on your tip toes to look over their shoulder, praying that your son is standing behind them.

The tallest of the two officers look at you with pity and an emotion that can only be sadness as he asks you to step inside and find a seat. This can't be happening! Something is wrong! Where is your son? That body on the side of the interstate can not be your son!

You listen to the officers' words, as if you are detached and standing a few feet away from yourself. It seems that your son is the “body” that your friend told you about. The police haven't pieced it all together yet, but it appears that your son jumped from the bridge that goes across the interstate at around 3:30am. He was hit by a tractor trailer. Through the next several hours, until sometime in the afternoon, traffic went on as usual. People noticed what appeared to be a “large animal in a pile of clothes” but didn't have time to report it. Others thought it was a body, but again were to busy to pick up their cell phones and call 911, much less turn around to check. It wasn't until afternoon that someone stopped and called 911 to let them know that a body was on the side of the interstate, where it had lain since 3:30am.....alone and hit by several vehicles. The clothing matches up to your son's clothing. There isn't any reason to do an identification, the police will use medical means to finalize that it really is your son. The police are certain it is suicide.

The next day, our best friend stops by to let you know that the story was in the newspaper again. This time the article states that the body that held up traffic for hours was a 14 year old that committed suicide. At the very bottom of the article, almost as an afterthought, it reads, “the teen was taking regular medication for Asperger's Syndrome and autism”. You look at her incredulously. Your son committed suicide due to the challenges, and lack of treatment, he faced having Asperger Syndrome, and it was only mentioned at the very bottom of the article as an afterthought? A Sargent said that your son was taking medication for Asperger Syndrome when there are no medications available to treat it, as if it's something that requires a magic cure? Why wasn't it mentioned that your son being treated like an outcast and different, not just from his peers but from adults, impacted him daily? Why didn't the article talk about how tons of parents around the country are finding themselves without the resources or tools necessary to help their children? Why didn't the article list the few available resources for this area? Why didn't it reach out to other families going through something similar, other families that every day fear their teen with Asperger Syndrome might also commit suicide?

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I wish I could say that I just made up this story. However, I am saddened beyond words to say that I didn't. This happened here over the last few days. As a mother frantically searched for her beloved 14 year old son, motorist to busy to call 911 were driving by his battered and tattered body.

A newspaper quoted Sgt. G.A. Barger of the North Carolina State Patrol as stating that the child was taking medication for his “Asperger Syndrome and Autism”. To date, there are no medications available to treat Asperger Syndrome. There is no cure for Autism, and many parents advocate that a cure isn't needed, merely the perception of “typical” people to change.

People have already started to judge. A mother states that she has a child with Asperger's and she doesn't understand why the article mentions it at all as her son is “bright and a joy to be around”. She wonders what Asperger Syndrome has to do with his suicide, or any other news article that has mentioned it recently. Another mentions medications and how they only “make things worse”. Another poster states that anyone with Asperger Syndrome wouldn't want that for the rest of their lives. Yet another newspaper article states that the child “suffered with Asperger Syndrome”.

There are so many things I want to say. I want to scream that children with Asperger Syndrome wouldn't suffer if it weren't for the judgements, criticizing, and mistreatment from “typical” people. I want to scream that there is not a medication for Asperger Syndrome. I want to scream that Dan Akroyd, Bill Gates, Daryl Hannah, Satoshi Tajiri, James Durbin, Paula Hamilton, Peter Howson, Clay Marzo, Les Murray and others all have Asperger Syndrome. There are so many more, Al Gore, James Taylor, Bob Dylan, Robin Williams, Andy Kaufman, Hans Asperger, isaac Asimove and more. Do they seem to “suffer”, need “medication”, or need a cure? I want to scream that popular belief feel that Abraham Lincoln, Bobby Fischer, Benjamin Franklin, Marilyn Monroe, Henry Ford, Isaac Newton, Jane Austen, Vincent Van Gogh, and Virginia Woolf all had Asperger Syndrome. How can all these people be broken and need a “cure”? How can all these people not want to live simply because of their diagnosis?

I want to scream at the world that I am the mother of the sweetest, kindest, most caring teenage son. I want to scream how his intelligence level is through the roof, but how he lacks an understanding of social concepts. I want to scream out how he tries to engage his peers in conversation, but the “typical” teens shun him simply because he is different and different isn't “cool”. I want to scream at the world that different is not bad or wrong.

Yet, instead I will stand here and speak for the family that is to grief stricken to speak for themselves. I will stand and say that my son has Asperger Syndrome and that his life has been difficult. I will stand and speak out and let others know that my son's life, and the life of other teens with Asperger Syndrome, is difficult because others refuse to accept different as being acceptable. I will stand and tell others that you can not say you are scared of someone with Asperger Syndrome because of what one child with Asperger Syndrome did months ago, but instead you should stand up and help find a way for these children to have available the resources they need to help them succeed.

I am the mother of a child with Asperger Syndrome.

I am proud to be the mother of a child with Asperger Syndrome.

I support ALL parents of children with special needs.

I won't ever quit speaking up for my children's needs.

Always remember, if you've met one child with Autism, then you've met ONE child with Autism. No two children on the Autistic spectrum are alike, no two children with Asperger Syndrome are alike. One thing they all share though, resources are not available to help them reach their full potential. Nor do they experience the acceptance in society that they should.

Please, don't be one of the passive people that sit by and judge and criticize. Stand up today and speak out.

For resources regarding Autism Spectrum Disorder, you can follow the links below:

Autism Speaks Resource Library which has many books, websites, blogs and videos for families to use.



Autism Speaks Social Network for on-line chats with other parents in similar situations. Some use it to pose a specific question and get feedback, while others utilize it as a support group.
Autism Speaks Tool Kits http://www.autismspeaks.org/family-services/tool-kits
Autism Speaks Family Services web link - http://www.autismspeaks.org/family-services



Other Resources:



http://www.yourlittleprofessor.com/friendship.html
http://www.yourlittleprofessor.com/teen.html
http://teenautism.com/category/puberty/
http://www.aspires-relationships.com/. It seems to have a wide variety of resources that may be helpful.
There is an excellent online support group called GRASP – The Global & Regional Asperger’s Syndrome Partnership. http://grasp.org/page/grasp-support-groups.



You can contact me at any time for questions, support, or information at pathsfrommysoul@gmail.com

Newly Diagnosed

The following post was copied and reposted from pathsfrommysoul.blogspot.com   It's insight on how I handled Keeg's diagnosis.



Yet now (finally, the meat of this post), I don't think any of us know what to do with the latest diagnosis. Not of Pookie, but of my eldest son. You see, Keeg has, up until recently, been the perfect and most exceptional child. I know you think I'm biased (and I am) but there was just so much about him that was unique. At 2 1/2 years old, he taught himself to read!! I was teaching him letters and sounds and he already was reading Doctor Seuss books. By the time he was in Kindergarten, he had already tackled his first Isaac Asimov novel (not an easy read for many adults even). He was super bright when it came to intellect and I watched him carry on conversations with his medical specialist that blew everyone in the room away. I can not tell you how many times someone told me that he was the smartest child they'd ever seen. I was PROUD. It seemed like no matter all the wrong I'd done, I'd been blessed with a child that was an enigma. Keeg always battled some pretty severe health issues, but his behavior was always above and beyond. He was the child you look at in the store and stop the mother just to say, "You have the best behaved child I've ever seen". He was the child you told once and once only. He was the child who always seemed to know who was upset and would ask what was wrong. He was the child who always did his schoolwork, always kept his room clean, and always ate his vegetables.


A year ago I started having issues with him. He was always reading. He'd read the tags in laundry, he'd read the labels on the cans in the pantry, he read and read and read. He could no longer complete tasks or chores because he stopped to read everything. I even caught him a few times reading the garbage in the kitchen can. He'd walk by and it would catch his attention so he'd stand over the can, peering in and reading. I would have to tell him over and over and over again to do something before he would complete it. He would tell me he didn't hear me, or didn't remember. I would ask him to complete a chore and hours later would be appalled that it wasn't done, even after he told me he completed it. He'd walk into the room, look around and dumbfounded ask me, "what else needs to be done?"  I was at my wits end. How could the once perfect child suddenly be this rebellious, disobedient teenager?? I talked to friends with teens and they assured me that this was just part of growing  up and eventually (albeit a long eventually) he'd outgrow his rebellious streak. How did I not see what was really happening?


About 4 months ago, Keeg and I were home alone. I told him that I was going to give him a chore and I was going to observe his completing it. Each time he stopped to read, I would redirect him. He was to try his best not to read, and if he read something and I didn't notice, he needed to tell me. About  3 minutes into this, he was crumpled on the floor, tears streaming down his face, his hands pulling at his hair, and saying, "I can't do this! I have to read! I have to! I have to!" I sat, completely blown away. The agony in his cries froze me. Something was wrong....terribly wrong....and I didn't know what it was.


I talked to several professionals I've become friends with through the years and heard lots of different ideas. I decided that the first step was to get him in with a professional therapist. Someone that would address the needs of our family and help Keeg deal with the stress he was going through. I got a referral from a friend and set up our first appointment. The doctor had me feel out a bunch of assessment forms online for Keeg so that he could review them before our appointment. When my husband and I went to meet the doctor, he handed me a scholarly article to read about Asperger's. Confused I looked at my husband. Why would he give me this when I'd already told him our youngest was diagnosed with High Functioning Autism and not Asperger's? The doctor let me know that the information wasn't for Pookie...........it was for Keegan.


The foundation of my world shook. Reality started to spin and meld. I sat in the midst of the chaos, frozen in a warp that wracked my awareness of all. This isn't what I was supposed to hear. I was supposed to be told that he was ADD with maybe some OCD. That's what I was prepared for. Asperger's??? NO NO NO....my youngest son is on the Autism spectrum....not my oldest! I pushed myself to read the article he had handed me, floored to find out that it addressed how it's actually COMMON for children with Asperger's to not be diagnosed until they are in their teens. I managed to make it through the appointment, and back out to the truck. My first words to my husband after we pulled away was, "How could I have missed this?"


I grew up with family members and friends that had special needs. I went to college for Early Childhood Education with a special interest in Special Needs. I've volunteered, helped out and fund raised for various organizations that help with Special Needs. I've spent the last 5plus years studying Autism Spectrum diagnosis, Asperger's included. And then the lighbulb went off............how many times did I pull Keegan over to me while researching and say, "Hey, this sounds like you!"


Looking back..........I missed so much. The way that Keegan never really cared much for affection. Yes, he'd let me hold him, hug him, and give him kisses as a child. But deep down I always felt that he was only tolerating it for my benefit. The way that his room always stayed so clean because he didn't really own much of anything. He would always ask me to give his toys to children that didn't have any. Proud as can be, we'd do so. It's only in hindsight I see that it was because he didn't care for the typical toys children played with. His room has always been minimal in decoration and toys. For as long as I can remember he's only wanted an alarm clock with radio, a lamp, his hotwheels and a chess set. Looking back, I can see how unusual this is for a 5 year old.....but at the time I just saw it as a sign to his immense intellect. Keegan has always been particular about his clothing. He has always preferred khaki pants and shorts after he went to a charter school that required school uniforms. He likes long socks with the tops pulled straight up his legs. Keegan never really had any sense of style, but being a single mom that didn't really have any other Dads to chat with, I just thought it was a guy thing. There were always gross motor skill delays and clumsiness...........he had really big feet and I chalked it up to that. I never noticed that Keeg didn't recognize personal space until he was older. When a small child sits down immediately next to someone, it's cute. It's not a red flag that he doesn't realize that people have personal space. Keeg has never known a stranger.....NEVER. It's not uncommon for his interactions with someone to start off with 20 questions. I just thought he was curious and trying to feed his intellect. When my husband and I married two years ago....Keeg had pretty much spent his life caring for me and his little sister (due to my own health issues). He'd been the man of the house. My new husband, his now step-dad, sat him down before our marriage and told Keeg that he was proud of him for all that he'd taken on through the years. He was proud of him for the way he took care of me and his sister. Now, he could just relax and be a kid! He could play and have fun. Once Keeg accepted this, play he did. My husband asked me then if I noticed Keeg's play. Did I notice that he played like a young child? Did I think there was something wrong? Did I notice that Keeg had gone from one end of the extreme (never playing) to the other end of the extreme (continuously playing)? Did I think it unusual that Keeg's imaginary play was immature yet intensely intelligent at the same time? Nope.........I didn't think there was a problem. He'd spent years taking care of me and his sister and now was just letting out all those years of pent up play. Besides, he was altering his play to match that of Pookie to help keep Pookie entertained. He just continued the same games when Pookie was otherwise entertained, right?


I could go on and on. You see, I've had 3 weeks and 2 days since the first doc told me he thought Keeg had Asperger's. Since then we've met with a pediatric neurologist who has all but confirmed the original therapist ideal. He's scheduled the appointments necessary to get the "official" diagnosis. Keeg was admitted into the hospital for unrelated tests, and numerous nurses and therapist he came in contact with assumed he'd been diagnosed with Asperger's long ago. (My mind screamed REALLY? REALLY? REALLY? the entire time). A child life specialist told me that her brother has CP and mild mental retardation and that Keeg reminds her so much of him. She said their mannerisms are identical. She said this with the sweetest affection for Keeg and her brother that I was deeply moved, yet inside I could feel the vibrations resonating through my body as my brain screamed "WHAT? MY SON? HOW DID I MISS THIS?"


Thursday, Pookie went for another evaluation with a speech therapist. I had to meet with the OT there so when Pook didn't want to go back with the therapist alone, I sent Keeg with him. When it was time for me to meet with the therapist, she wanted to make sure I'd realized that Keeg had special needs as well. Again, my mind screamed "DID EVERYONE SEE THIS BUT ME?"


There are always times in a parents life that you feel like a failure. That there were things you missed, things you should have done differently, things you should not have done at all. Yet, I can honestly say that nowhere in my 14 years of parenting have I felt so totally off the mark. My son has lived with me for 14 years....his entire life....and despite all my knowledge and training, I missed that he has Asperger's. I don't care that it is COMMON for children to miss diagnosis till teen years...........THIS IS MY SON. My firstborn. It makes a difference somehow.


Each day I make so many mistakes. I am trying so hard to change my perspective, to see Keeg as who he is and not what I always dreamed he would be. I'm trying so hard to realize that I'm in Holland and that Holland has so many things to offer (click on the blue word Holland if you don't know what I mean). I have to stop myself and apologize a thousand times each day because I realize I reacted to him without realizing his actions weren't intentional, that he didn't understand, and that he was doing exactly what I said just as literal as I said it.


I try not to think about his future right now. Don't get me wrong.......I'm doing everything I need to so that he gets the best of everything and reaches his full potential. I know that he can still be and do anything he wants to and that Asperger's is not a limit on this. Yet, since before he was born I'd dreamed of his future. When he was 2 he told me he wanted to be a doctor and didnt' sway from this except for when, at age 4, he decided to be a missionary. He talked of working at NASA so that he would have the means to reach the goal of missionary doctor. Those dreams haven't changed...........but the paths to get there are forever altered. It's not a bad thing......... but change is always hard for us adults. Selfish as it is, my life was always so chaotic there were only a few constants I felt I could depend on and those were God and my children. That hasn't changed.....but for me to be the mother Keeg needs, I have to change my entire perspective and outlook. I have to let go of my dreams to visit Paris and find the beauty of Holland. Ironically enough, when I read "Welcome To Holland" the first time I didn't really understand the full impact of it. I'd known since I was pregnant with Pookie that something "wasn't quite right" and the moment he was born it was obvious he had some type of special needs. I read "Welcome to Holland" shortly after Keeg's initial diagnosis and suddenly it all made sense.


I know that through all these things God will make sure our needs are met and dreams fulfilled. This is going to be a beautiful and joy filled journey. Yet, we all must mourn the things in life we have lost..............even when the door God has opened for us is so much more beautiful, amazing and breathtaking.